by Robb Davis
I attended the “Breaking the Silence of Racism” event at Community Chambers on Saturday – an uncomfortable event in which we told and listened to painful stories with our neighbors in Davis and Yolo County. As I listened to the vignettes (each speaker was limited to about 3 minutes to share their stories), I began to consider not just the content of each but how each struck me in terms of how “real” they sounded to me. In other words, I began to examine how I was hearing the stories.
When I heard the story of a white man my age (a man I know and respect), about how his biracial grandchildren were verbally abused by students in the Davis school system, my throat clenched and my heart raced. As the man nearly broke down, I felt I might do the same. As a grandfather of two (very young) biracial grandchildren I could feel his hurt, anger and confusion and I accepted both the validity of his story and the pain that went with it.
But what of the stories of the Hispanic mothers who told of their confusion and doubt about whether the Yolo County criminal system could offer their sons justice or whether they might be treated differently if they were white? What of the story of a leader in the Hispanic community who questioned whether a white young man would have been shot for fleeing from police during a stop for which there was no apparent motive (or whether a young white man would have even been stopped)? How did I hear these stories?
In the first case, my life experience had prepared me to receive and validate the story. And the second case? Well, in fact, there was a kernel of a story tucked deep in the back of my mind that was finally dredged to the surface as I sat in Community Chambers and heard the stories of doubt and anger about our local legal system. So… here is my narrative and how it conditioned my ability to hear:
I was raised in rural Pennsylvania and taught from a young age that I could trust the police – that they were there for our protection. In fact, my mom used to tell me when we took the (rare) trip to the “city” that if I ever got separated from her I should simply find a policeman who would help and protect me and get me back to her. I never had any reason to doubt the fundamental goodness of the police.
And then, when I was 17, on a rainy Sunday morning on a slick back road my car slid across the yellow line head-on into an oncoming vehicle. Though not badly hurt I was taken to a hospital where I learned that a woman in the other car had died. Soon after, the police showed up, read me my rights and began to ask me questions – kindly, sympathetically. I answered all of them through tears and in the end simply broke down in the arms of one of the officers and said something like “it was my fault, I slid into them.”
Months later the summons arrived in the mail along with several charges including homicide by vehicle. Confusion combined with trauma as I headed to a preliminary hearing in which the officer who had interviewed me told of how I had admitted it was my fault, how I had driven recklessly and how I had acknowledged using a drug the morning of the event (true, I had very bad complexion and was on an antibiotic for my skin). I was stunned. The person whom I had been taught to trust had cleverly twisted my words to set me up for a conviction that would change my life.
I do not tell this story to suggest that police officers are unethical (though I believe that one was). I do not tell it to suggest that our criminal justice system is “broken.” I only tell it to say that that experience changed forever the way I view the police. It was not followed by any systematic set of bad experiences with the police but it has made me wary of how I communicate with them.
So when I heard the stories of doubt about the justice (or injustice) inherent in our system on Saturday, my own life experience created a space for me to understand – to validate – the concerns within each one.
There were other stories on Saturday for which I had no life experience that permitted such a validation, and I must acknowledge that a part of me discounted – or perhaps tended to discount – what I was hearing. But I also realized that while I will never embody the reality of the Hispanic moms, a single experience in my life opened a door for understanding and accepting their narratives. If this is the case, then perhaps I can accept that the stories I cannot personally relate to as also valid and real.
The point is that the act of accepting requires structuring our thoughts to willingly hear the hurt and pain experienced by another and validate it even if we cannot fully relate to it. To me this means that empathy (for that is what I am really talking about here) is not some vague emotion that causes us to gather in a circle for a group hug after all the stories have been told. Rather it is an intellectual discipline that, carefully cultivated, helps us welcome the pain in others and give it meaning.
If we want to be the kind of community that faces its own broken spaces in productive ways I would suggest that empathy is an intellectual discipline we must cultivate.
“The point is that the act of accepting requires structuring our thoughts to [u]willingly hear[/u] the hurt and pain experienced by another and validate it even if we cannot fully relate to it. To me this means that empathy (for that is what I am really talking about here) is not some vague emotion that causes us to gather in a circle for a group hug after all the stories have been told. Rather it is an intellectual discipline that, carefully cultivated, helps us welcome the pain in others and give it meaning.”
That says it all !
Robb
Thanks so much for the beautifully written piece, and especially for the willingness to share your personal story.
Since the event, and reading your post today, I made a realization. I have often wondered about how others posting could manifest so little concern for the experience of others. You have stated the answer clearly and succinctly.
Empathy is indeed an intellectual discipline. It was one I was taught in my family. As my mother would frequently say that you had to “walk a mile in the other person’s shoes” before you should judge. I recognize that this is not universal teaching. My ex husband was once relating a disagreement he had with another physician. When I asked him if he had considered the other’s point of view, he looked shocked and said ” No, why would I ?” with complete
honesty.
As doctors we are trained, to listen with empathy. We are asked to consider over and over, not only how the experience of illness affects the patient and family, but how are proposed treatment will affect all concerned. As with all skills, some doctors become better at this than others. But, this is so ingrained that some have to also be reminded that while empathy is key, we must not adopt the patient’s problems as though they were are own. The exercise of empathy is so much a part of my daily life that I had forgotten that many folks are not trained in this particular discipline and may not incorporate it into how they automatically process information about the world. So, my thanks to you for pointing out one of my blind spots.
Just as I should not expect that everyone will know the steps in performing a Cesarean since that is not in their training, so everyone will not see the world through the filter of the intellectual and emotional process that we call empathy.
Sorry for any confusion. I twice put in “are” when the word intended was “our”.
Robb
You continued the sharing of Saturday with your story here and my hope is that we respect your courage and offer safety as was so eloquently repeated by Sandy Holman on Saturday.
I was there but arrived late to a packed house and had to leave around 2:45.
I admit, although the stories especially offered by the mothers from Woodland, brought me anguish and I believe, empathy, I could not relate in the same way as some of the others that came closer to home, especially the bullying at DJUSD.
My question for you, Robb is, do we need to experience a “like anguish” in order to have true empathy – or how can we get closer without living it ourselves with our own families?
And how would you distinguish empathy from compassion.
Thank you Robb.
Question…. all examples used seemed to imply that only “whites” are racist…. can we start from the perspective that all racial groups/individuals are capable of prejudice and/or racism?
Beautifully said Robb,
The challenge you lay down in what you say will have its first test as each Vanguard reader reads and reacts to the very words you have written, for they challenge us to empathize with you.
Empathy took on a whole new dimension for me seven years ago when I was talking to the Practice Manager of one of the Ambulatory Clinics at UC Davis Medical Center. I had just told her about the job interview experience of a person I knew who had interviewed for an Admission Clerk position at two different UCDMC Clinics on two successive days. The result of one interview was absolutely no interest. The result of the other was an enthusiastic offer of the job. When the newly hired person went in for the first face-to-face meeting after the job offer, the Clinic Manager asked if there were any questions. The answer was, “Yes, one question . . .” and the person related the results of the two interviews and asked the Manager, “What was it that caused you to be so enthusiastic about me, especially when compared to the other Clinic that was so unenthusiastic?”
The Manager’s answer was, “You clearly have a lot of empathy, and this job given the nature of our patients requires a person with a lot of empathy . . . and I have found over the years that I can train my workers on a whole myriad of skills, but that empathy is not something that can be trained. It is something that has to come from within.”
As we reach out to one another asking for increased empathy, it is worth remembering that empathy doesn’t come as easily for some as it does for others.
hpierce said . . .
[i]”Question…. all examples used seemed to imply that only “whites” are racist…. can we start from the perspective that all racial groups/individuals are capable of prejudice and/or racism?”[/i]
hp, yes we can start from that perspective, and not all the examples provided on Saturday contained that implication. One speaker in particular, an African-American, said in his comments that he doesn’t think Davis has a racism problem, but rather a “classism” problem.
His comment resonated for/with me.
SODA – These are very good questions and though I have thought about empathy quite a bit over the past few years I am not sure I have an answer. You use the concept of “true empathy” and I am not sure I can think about empathy as anything but true if I willingly walk with another in their pain. And I guess this answers the question about “like anguish” (from my perspective). I do not believe that empathy requires full, experience-based, identification with the pain of others. This is why I write of empathy as an intellectual discipline. Since I cannot ever expect to fully identify with the experiences of others I believe I must cultivate a mindset that allows me to honor that which I do not fully understand. I am not sure if that makes sense so ask me again.
Second, my friend David Breaux (Davis’ foremost expert on compassion) and I have discussed the difference between empathy and compassion. I doubt I have this right (and David would probably disagree) but to me compassion takes empathy and imbues it with emotion. In that sense I think it builds on empathy and creates true mourning over the brokenness others articulate. I doubt this is correct in a linguistic or psychological sense but it is how I see it.
hpierce: I do not want to give the impression that racism is only a problem for white people. I realize that some people will disagree with me on this but I have lived around the world and have seen the exclusion represented by many “isms”. I think I would like to talk to you more about this since a post here does not suffice. I will say that the stories on Saturday were stories of “exclusion” and a proximate cause in many (but certainly not all of them) was race (linguistic and cultural differences were also at the root of several of them and Matt has already mentioned class).
I should take the opportunity to note two clarifications to my post here and apologize if either cause concern: 1) I was actually 18 when the accident happened (somehow I confused some years); 2) in the end I was NOT found guilty of the charges (I realize the syntax I chose could cause confusion about that). After over a year of repeated and painful court appearances the judge ruled that the occurrence was “and act of God” and all charges were dropped. However, as you can imagine, it was a life changing event. Apologies for confusion caused by any of this.
Matt wrote:
> One speaker in particular, an African-American, said in his
> comments that he doesn’t think Davis has a racism problem,
> but rather a “classism” problem.
Class does not cost a lot of money and anyone can be “classy” if they want to. I think that a big problem is that many people of color act and dress in a manner that most people would not consider “classy” and blame the poor treatment they receive as “racism”. What many people of color don’t realize is that many white people also act and dress in a manner that most people would not consider “classy” and also receive poor treatment.
P.S. I’m betting that a white kid walking around Davis with pants falling down wearing a “F the Police” T-Shirt and carrying a boom box blasting “Cop Killer” will be hassled by more people than a person of color doing the same thing…
“I think that a big problem is that many people of color act and dress in a manner that most people would not consider “classy” and blame the poor treatment they receive as “racism””
That was brought up at the meeting on Saturday. But it seemed that a lot of the people who spoke were dressed conventionally. So I wonder how accurate that is or whether it forms a traditional rationalization.
Robb… feel free to contact me “off-line” @ hortensepierce@yahoo.com.
My great-great grandfather was a ‘racist’… he and his brother provided a ‘depot’ for the underground railroad in the 1800’s. It “unfairly” singled out black slaves and assisted them on their journey to freedom. I am white, but was randomly attacked on the day after MLK was shot. Of course, the black kid who did that wasn’t racist, just righteously indignant.
Thanks Robb. Not sure I see as much difference between empathy and compassion as you do but I will think about it.
I know I become overcome by emotion sometimes surprisingly, either reacting to sadness or joy of others. I believe that emotion is a form of empathy and/or compassion. I know that happened on Saturday.
SODA – Like I said, I do not have full clarity on this. I do not feel strongly that my definitions are correct… just a way of thinking about it. I appreciate your perspectives on this.
This is very well done Robb. I can’t imagine the genuine anguish you suffered, and possibly still suffer, being involved in that car accident that ended a life. I was involved in a similar accident when I was about the same age. A friend of mine was driving me back from a Sac State football game in his newly purchased hotrod El Camino with a custom airbrush paint job. It was raining. He hydroplaned on the causeway and we spun around several times until crashing into the guardrail thus preventing us from sliding into oncoming traffic where – in that day of no seatbelt laws and no air bags – someone most certainly would have been hurt or killed. The difference between your situation and mine seems to only be that guardrail. It seems that on that day I had a bit more luck than you had on your fateful day.
This gets me some points that I need to make.
It does not matter what color our skin is. We all have things that happen to us in life. We all have a level of luck and misfortune.
I no longer support any form of groupism based on anything other than ideas and behavior. I think it is destructive to continue to categorize people by race or skin-tone. We are all just simply human, and until those that make their living and/or identity categorizing people this way… and overlaying their template of group victimhood and sanctioned defeatism, are to be recognized as being as destructive as are the individual destructive emotions of those failing to successfully maneuver a life in this tough world we live in.
I was picked on growing up. I have been harassed by cops growing up. I come from a poor and broken family. I am a white male… the only group not yet assigned a victim status. Please don’t give me any empathy for these things, because learning to rationalize my raw emotional response to these events in my life have become my productive crucibles that have helped me become the well-functioning adult I am today. Instead of empathy, please be envious that I have had to struggle and that I have persevered.
Sure, I don’t know what it is to be black, Hispanic, Asian, gay or female. But I know what is like to be human… and frankly that is all that matters.
This is one of the best threads I’ve read on the Vanguard. Thanks to all who have written.
Jeff
Thanks for sharing. With due respect, I sense you thinking if ‘I give you empathy’ it is somehow diminishing your achievements. Did I get it correct? If so, aren’t you not allowing me to experience empathy?
Please correct if I read it wrong.
Jeff:
“We are all just simply human, and until those that make their living and/or identity categorizing people this way… and overlaying their template of group victimhood and sanctioned defeatism, are to be recognized as being as destructive as are the individual destructive emotions of those failing to successfully maneuver a life in this tough world we live in.”
Best post of the day and so true.
SODA, empathy feels like a warm and dry blanket on a cold and rainy day. The problem with it is that it can prevent me from getting off my ass and out of the cold and rain.
Jeff, I agree with what you are saying, but with some limits. Your post will cause each and every one of us here on the Vanguard to reflect on moments in our lives where we were near or on the precipice.
The difference for most (if not all) of us is that we didn’t come into that situation with an abiding sense of hopelessness, which I do think is the case for many people in our society. How to break that cycle of hopelessness is (for me) the biggest challenge we face.
Jeff, I disagree. What I hear you describing is sympathy rather than empathy.
Jeff – thanks for writing. I would offer the idea that I think you may be confusing sympathy (and the attendant idea of pity) with empathy. If I identify with the pain you have experienced I am not offering a “warm and dry blanket”, I am offering only a willingness to acknowledge that your experiences are genuine and that they condition the way you view the world. To me, empathy opens a door for dialogue about how we approach problems together. Our life experiences form the way we approach challenges. If your background and my background are very different then we are likely to approach solutions to common challenges very differently. Empathy merely enables both of us to hear and acknowledge that our different backgrounds have brought us to different places. There is great value in this I believe because if we can’t do the work of discovering why we approach the world from different places it will be much more difficult to move forward together.
Empathy offers a path to mutual understanding. That is important to working together. I am NOT saying we must end up agreeing. I AM saying that we are more likely to be able to work together IF we understand one another better.
I wrote:
> I think that a big problem is that many people of
> color act and dress in a manner that most people would
> not consider “classy” and blame the poor treatment
> they receive as “racism””
Then David wrote:
> That was brought up at the meeting on Saturday.
> But it seemed that a lot of the people who spoke
> were dressed conventionally. So I wonder how accurate
> that is or whether it forms a traditional rationalization
Working my way through college I did a lot of “dirty” jobs and while I experienced some bad service and rude behavior when dressed as a “clean cut fraternity guy” I had MUCH more rude behavior and bad service when dressed as a poor dirty laborer (the weather this weekend reminded me of a day years ago when I did not look real clean cut or classy after working in the mud all day digging new post holes to fix a fence that had blown down in a storm). I challenge David to hang back and observe the way a classy well-dressed black UCD professor is treated as he walks through a retail store and then do the same watching how people react to a white homeless guy in the same store.
Then Jeff wrote:
> I was picked on growing up. I have been harassed by
> cops growing up. I come from a poor and broken family.
> I am a white male… the only group not yet assigned a
> victim status.
Like Jeff I’m also a white male that grew up poor, and like Jeff I’ve also been picked on and harassed by cops. I don’t think that there is a single adult of any color who has never been picked on, or had a bad interaction with a cop. Just like every person of color I’ve also had bad service and been treated poorly by people in the retail/service industry. Unfortunately I’ve noticed that more often than not when a non-white friend is picked on, harassed or treated poorly they assume that the person was “racist” while when the same thing happens to a white friend they just assume the person was a “jerk” or “rude”. Sadly we seem to have a lot more jerks and rude people these days and unfortunately many people of color now saying that we have more “racists”…
Robb wrote:
> To me, empathy opens a door for dialogue about
> how we approach problems together.
A good example is that when a black guy finds out the cop that beat him also beats his wife, kids and random white people we can ALL work together to lock the cop up vs. just complaining about racism in the police force…
I too am feeling warmth from this thread. And apologize if typos since on iPhone now.
BUT. Here’s an idea….might we continue this dialogue in person at a coffee shop? Or Would that blow our covers? Would we be so open to empathy?
[i]How to break that cycle of hopelessness is (for me) the biggest challenge we face[/i]
[i]Jeff, I disagree. What I hear you describing is sympathy rather than empathy.[/i]
Matt, I mostly agree with this.
As I wrote earlier, my problem with empathy is when it stops with empathy. If I listen to you to recognize the feelings you are feeling, if those feelings are negative and indication of problem, then it is possible that I might enable your being trapped in a cycle of negative feelings… again, if I do nothing beyond just listening to you and conveying empathy.
I think empathy is misused and misunderstood in this case. And I think it is potentially damaging when not followed up with real problem-solving.
I have had recent experience losing both of my wife’s brothers to suicide. Her family is the most loving and empathetic of any I have ever met. Her family taught me how to hug. My wife taught my entire extended family how to hug. Sometimes I think she has taught half the city of Davis how to hug.
Neither of her brothers had any significant problem (both with loving wives and two great kids), but apparently the problems they had weighed heavy enough for them to plot their ultimate fatal escape.
I know that suicide is often the result of mental and/or emotional medical conditions. But, I can’t help but wonder if my brother in-laws’ lack of coping skills developed from an environment that tended to envelope them in loving empathy instead more teaching and tough love.
I think this thing we call hopelessness is often just a lack of perspective.
Out of the trillions and trillions of stars, and the even more unseen planets circling them, we might possibly be the only biological entity in the universe that can contemplate our own happiness. If so we are blessed with a miracle of a profound life. It only lasts a micron of a space in the continuum that represents the 15 billion year age of our universe, the 4.5 billion year age of our planet, and the 5000 or so years of recorded human history. With that perspective, how can we be hopeless? Even the worst life experience is potentially more precious than the most precious stone or mineral.
Then, on top of just accepting and valuing the miracle of this life, we also contemplate our profound luck to live in the greatest country on God’s green earth. It is a country where people are the most free to pursue their own interests and most able to achieve their own happiness.
What I would like to do instead of just be empathetic, is to follow it up with a slap and a bucket of cold water to help break the trance of victimhood and self-pity… and to cause the epiphany of perspective for how damn lucky we all are, and that greater happiness is achievable and simply something we all need to go out and get.
Here is an example of what this approach looks like…
[url]http://video.msnbc.msn.com/rock-center/50020637#50020637[/url]
” I challenge David to hang back and observe the way a classy well-dressed black UCD professor is treated as he walks through a retail store and then do the same watching how people react to a white homeless guy in the same store.”
If you want to argue that there is classism at play as well, I agree. There is also ageism. However, I also suggest you talk to Mel Lewis, a well-dressed man from the school district about some of his experiences. Talk to Rahim Reed, the chancellor who was at the forum, I think your view will shift a little.
[i]BUT. Here’s an idea….might we continue this dialogue in person at a coffee shop? Or Would that blow our covers? Would we be so open to empathy?[/i]
My cover is already WAY blown!
On advantage to having the conversation here is that we can track the conversation in thinking about the next steps.
David wrote:
> If you want to argue that there is classism
> at play as well, I agree. There is also ageism.
As I’ve stated before I know that there are racists out there, but in my experience most of what people percieve as “racism” is usually classism, ageism, loud personism, quiet personism, BMW Driverism, Prius Driverism, Davis Highism, Woodland Highism, Hippyism, Squarism or the all inclusive “not like meism”.
Odds are the Prius driving Davis High Kid whose parents both have PhDs and are atheists active in the anti-war movement won’t be buddies with lifted 4×4 driving Woodland High kid whose parents both dropped out of school in the 10th grade to work on their family farms and are active in the NRA and their local church even if they are both of the same “race”…